If there’s one thing I realised

it’s that after spending 5 hours a day on WordPress for work, I am incredibly lazy to come over to my personal blog and write about my day. Been relying heavily on Dayre to track my life which isn’t a good thing! This blog has been with me since Sec 3 (oh my) and despite being incredibly cringy at times, it’s good to look back on occasionally. But unfortunately it’s so difficult to add photos, ensure they’re aligned etc etc :-( I’m a lazy person but OK – I’ll start getting my thoughts in order haha. It’s been more than a month since the semester ended and I have yet to collect my thoughts + do a module review (though am admittedly very lazy to do one).

Not to mention I often leave my laptop in office instead of bringing it home because there are so many other things to do at home!! Everyone at work is very baffled at how I do it but it’s just about preferring to read and do other things instead of watching shows, which I don’t do much of anyway.

It’s the 6th week into my internship – I am halfway there! – and it’s been a learning journey. Will dedicate a solo post to this post-internship because erm I don’t want my current boss to somehow, due to his incredible vast SEO capabilities, find what I write about the company LOL. Not that it’s bad la it’s just ~uncomfortable~ haha.


Also doing module planning + internship planning and I am o v e r w h e l m e d like HELP LA what is even going on?? At least I’ve settled on my FYP so that’s one direction I can work towards module-wise but for PA I’m undecided between Journ and PR :-( Still unsure of which I want to pursue as a career LOL the future is real and daunting!!!! But I know I don’t really want to work somewhere which requires you to wear penguin suits to work haha or doll up super well because I am lazy and most defnitely not that kind of girl.

Can’t believe I’ll be graduating in 2 year’s time :’-) / :’-(

Zan x

 

Work

has pretty much swamped me thus far it’s a continuous cycle of a respite for a 2 days followed by an intense 3 days. Quite possibly because all our weekly deadlines are on Friday so we don’t feel the rush till Wednesday haha. But come June it’s really going to be quite deadline-heavy with all the new editorial series we’re pushing out + the campaign plans etc. Wew – am not ready!!!!!

The thing about working in a startup is the incredibly huge control you have over things that happen in the company. There’s pretty much nobody caring about you and if you pitch an idea that gets approved, you’re going to have to take ownership of it. There’s nobody you can hide behind and you have to report directly to the boss (cri). I’m learning a lot here though. Or at least, I’d like to think that I am. I’ve never been pushed quite so hard before but I have to say I’m enjoying myself for the most part! Writing down a daily timetable/to-do list also helps a lot in managing the panic that rises up in me every time I realise I have something new to add to my to-do list :’-) Have yet to find out how to manage my anxiety when it comes to tasks I have to complete for the day lol the most therapeutic way thus far is for me to jot down a very detailed timeline of where I’ll be/what I’ll do at a particular time, but then it also means I gets stressed out when things don’t go according to plan. Ugh is there really no way to solve this stress-panic problem!?

Just wanted to record some emotions here it’s been a long day and I’m tired :-(

Zan x

My palms pressed against yours, fingers intertwined, taking on the world together. Your presence reminds me that we are unstoppable – you bring out the best in me and remind me that I can do better at my worst.

Who knows what lies ahead but I’m ready to conquer it with you.

(feeling oddly emotional tonight)

Zan x

It is finally

the last day of Y2S2 :’-)

Been pretty much a heck of a rollercoaster (also a loooooooong wait of watching everyone else finish their finals before me) (why Hedwig why).

Things that have gone through my mind thus far

Me, at the start of the semester: Oh I’m going to save my GPA this sem! And be really on task with readings!

Me, at work: Hee hee this is fun! Also chill :~)

Me, when people ask if they can work at my workplace too: STOP KS-ING MY JOB lol jk sure welcome to da fam!! (There’s gonna be a heck lot of WKW students at SAC next sem man)

Me, getting back my Poetry grades for Creative Writing: Not surprised LOL (but can’t S/U because see below) (Did get an A- for the multimedia project so that’s gonna save my tragic C thank you Jesus amen)

Me, doing PR Writing project: Wah what’s this media monitoring am I sure I really want to do PR next time ARE YOU SURE ZAN

Me, doing Copywriting: well am defo not doing advertising NOPE-ING MY WAY OUT OF HERE

Me, the day of my French 2 final: LMAO SUA LA S/U LA (failed the final because was working on copywriting project and didn’t study LOL I MAKE GOOD DECISIONS)

Me, looking at my deadlines: Oh nevermind every submission is on the same week let me just give up on getting 2nd lower this sem there’s still 1.5 more years.

Me, with a Hedwig final at 2:30pm: LET ME BLOG

The no finals life is really insane frick especially when I had a long stretch of free time (about 2 weeks) and everything was due in Week 12 and 13. It was terrible because I do not know how to manage my time well and spent that 2 free weeks slacking and meeting up with friends instead of starting on prep for my deadlines :~)

LOL but sem 2 was fun la. I did a LOT of writing (copywriting creative writing newswriting pr writing) which I love – except copwriting zan out I had fab groupmates but the mod is not for me – and made me narrow down what I want to do in future… maybe. I am known for being flaky look at me coming in all rah-rah about Ad/PR and now I have conveniently replaced Ad with Journ.

To be honest still want to start my own magazine and publish a short novel la but how to earn money from that?? How?? #questionstothinkabout #adulting

Internship starts next week and I am excited and terrified I hope it will be fun! Googled a lot about the company and what previous interns have said about working there I’m trash HAHAHA I will be fine God gave me this internship – as opposed to for another company – for good reason :~)

Zan x

Discontent

Today I realised that everything I’m unhappy with in my life can be changed – tbh that’s the case for most people haha. 

  • My weight/diet/looks
  • Strength (especially when it comes to ballet)
  • How much savings I have
  • My grades (feels like I’m not giving my best? There’s this nagging “You’re better than this – time to show it with your work” voice in the back of my mind. Not to be mixed up with “You’re not good enough”.)
  • Not volunteering enough 

So this summer will be a season of change and growth. Right now I’m lacking discipline!!! A lot of it HAHA I don’t expect my lifestyle to change 180° in the span of 3 months (what a nice thought though) but I’ll start small. 

Short term summer goals: To hit the gym/exercise once a week (ok it’s damn paltry but right now it’s 0 so DON’T BE A HATER) and to eat fast food only once every two weeks. Hope the places I’ve applied to volunteer at get back to me soon as well!!

From this you can tell how unhealthy I usually am LOL oops #exposed 

Honestly I’m quite unhappy with some aspects of my life even if I don’t ~admit~ or complain to others but I’m still a whiny bitch deep inside my heart 😀😀 Also because I tend to not let myself throw pity parties BECAUSE NOBODY ENTERTAINS ME ZZ. But this post is me taking matters into my own hands also grabbing life by the balls (sadly not grabbing to school can grab sponsor me some credits I will be an ambassador)!!!! 

I’m a mess but baaaaaby steps and I will be less of a mess.

Zan x

two years in university

It’s been 2 academic years since I stepped into WKW as a clueless freshie – tbh I’m still a clueless sophomore so – and I’ve honestly never felt this fulfilled in school before! It’s amazing to be in a school where people are so dedicated to their craft and really strive to submit top quality work. Granted, it gets a little demoralising when I’m not as good as them, but it’s not something worth beating myself up over. It does suck not being a straight-A or even just straight-B+ student but hovering at the lower end of the GPA totem pole has made me realise that passion really does sustain. 

My grades are terrible (I’m just going to be honest here and say it’s 3rd class so people don’t assume it’s actually a 2nd upper but vying for 1st class kind of thing) but I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong. Yes, I struggled with belonging in terms of friendship but I was happy doing projects and just bumbling along with no friends in school. I made more friends as the year went along and while they have made me more excited for breaks, nothing has been diminishing my excitement for lessons. OK, there are shitty lecturers and tutors but content creation (wow touchy term but let’s just roll with it) is really a rollercoaster that I enjoy throughly. 

Changing my never-officially-declared specialisation is a risk of sorts but I’m excited to chase God & glorify Him through studies too! 

University has taught me so much about just putting yourself out there and trying for what you want, and even if your shot misses, try again. Don’t let failure bog you down and consume you. I applied to around 10 different places for a summer internship and ultimately only got accepted for 1 – everyone else didn’t bother replying. The point is, I didn’t feel dejected and just sat around complaining about how I didn’t receive any offers. I sat around and complained but ALSO continued looking and I think that’s more important!!! 

Am going to risk my GPA even more next semester because there’s so many things I want to try but I’m rooted in the camp that says experience is more important than grades!! (OK maybe I’m just comforting myself but if I do get experience who’s the winner here hee hee)

The semester has been trying though; it pushed my limits and made me realise things about myself that I do not care to share here. I regret taking Creative Writing though because while it was fun, I don’t enjoy having to pander towards the tutor’s preferences in terms of genre. I stuck to my guns, didn’t receive good grades for two assignments thus far and am slightly bitter about it LOL. Am not perfect la I do get annoyed about bad grades. But I adamantly refuse to suck up and stifle my own creativity! (Low key judge people who take modules based on how well they can score instead of interest.. like it’s $8k a year why waste it??) 

Toodles am off to enjoy the Good Friday/Easter Sunday long weekend!

Zan x 

how I ended up

deciding to do journalism for my FYP.

I came into WKW being all anti-journalism and pro-advertising. I was so sure that it wasn’t my thing after taking Basic Media Writing (despite it being my best mod in Y1S1 ya Zan what were you thinking) and I actively pursued the advertising track, taking modules like Integrated Marketing Communications and Creative Strategies. Basically it involved a lot of campaign creation and ideas. Picked up some design skills along the way as well and did ad-hoc design for church camps too (which was good, am not complaining about the extra practice). Was anti-journalism because I really didn’t care for politics/crime/accidents I had not touched a newspaper for years. If I remember correctly, I stopped reading news by Secondary 2. The only thing I wanted to write about was myself l o l I love my blog!!

Last semester I was in church when during worship I felt this burden for journalism. To tell the stories of those who can’t. To be their voice in their times of uncertainty. To inform, to educate. I prayed really hard because I heard so many stories about Hedwig and I was terrified. Plus I look like I like to talk a lot but actually I don’t want to interview people why do I have to interview them can interview notes just fall into my lap? God is God & you can’t ignore God without feeling uneasy so in the end I decided to take Newswriting this semester.

Besides Newswriting, I’m also taking modules like Copywriting & PR Writing (OK a lot of writing going on here) so I got to experience journalism, advertising and public relations side by side and decide which one I like the most. I must say that advertising is actually at the bottom of the list – I do not like it as much as I did back in year 1! It’s really becoming a struggle for me re my copywriting module and the more I attend newswriting classes the less I find myself drawn to the world of advertising. Maybe it’s just confirmation bias or that I never really liked advertising in the first place – say what you want, but I know that God has called me to journalism for a reason (newswriting is my favourite module this semester btw LOL) and I will obey!! It is okay to not like hard news as well – I love soft news and people stories and writing my trend story is making me very very very excited :~) My dream of working in a magazine and/or being a columnist for the Straits Times has not diminished since I was a kid. I read a lot of Sunday Times back in Primary school and was really inspired by how everyone had so much to talk about their lives – probably also why I started blogging #tryingtobecool

Thank you Father for placing me in a school where my needs are met; for You know me better than I know myself. I may not know where I’m going to end up working in future, but I know He has grand plans laid in store for me should I chose to obey.

Zan x

reading the Bible on the bus

and I’m really thankful to Jesus who died for me. Honestly there are so many things that I’ve managed to do but it was only through Christ’s strength! Also trying my hardest to partner with God in life and it’s rewarding – I might feel like a mess and act like a mess but somehow it worked out in the end (re previous post that was typed at the start of this week). 

Was honestly so frustrated/lost/confused/dejected throughout the week but constant prayer kept me going. Knowing that at the end of my life I will get to meet Jesus face to face is also extremely comforting and honestly 10/10 would not mind. 

I wouldn’t say I’m a very good Christian because I know I’m not; I probably sin just as much as pre-believers but I do try. (Lol I just sound like I’m praising myself??? 😑) But I have learnt how to treat people with the same love that God has shown me and I think that’s very important. The unconditional and un self-serving kind. 

Zan x

week 8: pre-apopcalypse

I feel like a week off work made me lose touch with all organisational skills I have. My table is even messier than usual and I missed out on my readings for my lecture today. Sigh.

How do some of my coursemates have 2 day work weeks though goodness – I want that too HAHA. On the other hand if one week killed all sort of discipline I had, if I only had to be focused 2 days a week… it’s not going to end well.

photo_2017-03-06_11-11-52

We didn’t eat here but we wanted a nice background for our picture hee.

Couple of deadlines coming up and I have to make some important decisions and sort out my priorities :-( Mind is pretty much in turmoil and it’s a mess.

Zan x

“God shines most in our messiness”

A recent bipolar diagnosis shocks the group. Cancer ravages the health of a young wife and mother. An impending divorce threatens to tear apart a marriage, family, and community. A member struggling with same-sex attraction searches for ways to share his struggle. The lone black man in the small group is peppered yet again with questions about racism. The single mom cries out for help with her teenage son. A young couple struggles to accept that they can’t have biological children. The widow, married for more than six decades, gropes for reasons to go on. A father of six children shares the news of his recent layoff.

Life is hard and broken. Christian clichés aren’t going to cut it in the unavoidable messiness of realities like these.

Community Is Messy

Christian community — in the local church, in small group, missional community, or wherever else — is messy. If our friends are plunging headlong into a dark place, someone needs to go after them. And we have no quick fixes for the deep wounds we face: depression, anxiety, eating disorders, broken relationships, miscarriage, loneliness, unemployment, deteriorating health, wayward children, death of a parent, disability, and the list literally goes on and on.

Life is messy. For some of us, that scares us to no end. We don’t know what to say, what to do, how to engage, or how to help. Many step into community tentatively, secretly hoping it will not be messy. We want good friends, loving community, and easy, comfortable, enjoyable conversation. But the reality is that every true Christ-centered community will have its difficulties.

Christian community, by necessity and design, is messy. We are sinners, the world is broken, and God is at work. In the gospel story he has written, his grace and love shine more beautifully than ever in the messiness of our lives.

Powerful Gospel

The gospel helps us to move from risk-adverse and messiness-avoiding people to those who lean into one another when the pain and confusion come. The gospel transforms naturally self-centered people into those who selflessly serve others. The gospel transforms, over time, a proud and arrogant man into a humble man willing to ask for help. The gospel turns an ingrown, self-absorbed group into one welcoming to the spiritual seeker. The gospel generates generosity in a community to help make the dream of adoption a reality for a couple. The gospel motivates a group to fold a widow in and become her new family. The gospel slowly mends a broken marriage through consistent Bible study, prayer, and encouragement.

In the darkest moments, the gospel of Jesus Christ shines its brightest and most brilliant.

The tragic irony is that we hide. We throw a rug over the vomit of our lives sitting in the middle of the room. We withdraw when our blood pressure rises. We recoil when tempers flare. We pull back when we’ve been offended. We lean away when sin is exposed.

In these moments, we must battle our natural instincts, and trust our growing gospel instincts, to lean into the mess. It’s not easy. It’s never easy. But as we lean in together with his people, guided by his Spirit, and dependent on his grace and help, God brings hope and healing.

Wanted: Broken People

God always works the mess for good, for those who love him. He has designed the body of Christ such that every member, even the broken ones — especiallythe broken ones — are needed. In God’s plan, the broken and needy ones are often the ones we need most.

The apostle Paul says, “If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ that would not make it any less a part of the body. . . . If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?” (1 Corinthians 12:15, 17). We need every single part. We need the feet, even those with ingrown toenails. We need ears, mouths, and noses. No part is indispensable. That means we need the broken and hurting among us just as much as we need the spiritually mature. We need those who suffer from mental disability, physical infirmity, or broken hearts as much as we need those who are doing well and flying high.

Some Sunday mornings, I sit next to a young man who has Down syndrome. He is filled with the joy of Christ and sings with more gusto than anyone around him. He has a bigger smile on his face than anyone I know, and he always greets me heartily. He serves me by reminding me of the excitement and exuberance that should accompany the worship of God with his people. This young man — who has lived all his life with a disability — reveals the beauty of joyful and uninhibited praise. He reminds me worship isn’t about me, but God. I need that reminder. I need him.

Lean into Community

Bearing one another’s burdens and forgiving one another is messy. But let God use the messiness to make you and others more like him. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you,’ nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable” (1 Corinthians 12:21–22).

Whether you are a hand, a foot, or a big toe with a bunion, the body of Christ needs you. It won’t be easy — for anyone — but we need each other, and the reminder that God does his brightest work in our messiness. When we walk with one another through joys and trials, we’ll better see the transforming power of the gospel.

God does his best work in and through us when we seek to serve one another, especially when we run out of answers, quick fixes, and clichés, so that we point others directly to Jesus and his cross.

Steven Lee
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/god-shines-most-in-our-messiness

  • To treasure community because life is very different without it
  • To also turn to the gospel when in doubt of what’s right/wrong.
  • Understand where people are coming from and refrain from passing judgment too quickly. In fact, refrain from passing judgment, period.

Above all else, we are still wholeheartedly loved.

Zan x